As we all know, relationships go through phases. There are the good times and there are the not so good times. It’s quite seasonal in nature. In fact we cant really judge someone just because one season is not as good as the others… In truth you wont see all seasons unless you stick around. In fact, it may even be worth it in the long term.
Using metaphor and analogy in dealing with relationships is great. Try not to define events…in fact try to accept and understand them, its much easier this way. Acceptance is a very beautiful thing. Another persons virtues are just important as yours and mine. During my years in high school and at university I helped a lot of friends, both female and male, they call me their love guru. All I did was listen, I never offered a solution until we both absolutely understood the problem.
I have heard and understood both male and female perspectives and guess what?… they are very very similar. I am no relationship expert, in fact, I really don’t think they exist, because every relationship and person is unique and different. I like to say that wisdom is the best strategy to adopt when dealing with relationship issues. Understanding psychology is just scratching the surface and in fact using it the wrong way is just a manipulative tool that doesn’t achieve love. I would suggest that while giving your woman time, be there for her when she is in good spirits and the bad. Be yourself and that is being the person she fell in love with.
So if you are now going through a season that might seem challenging and hard with your respective other don’t judge her, just accept her. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. What is beautiful can be so hard to describe sometimes. Even in life’s dark moments, there is beauty, and I have seen it.
There are many ways to overcome the conflicts we experience in relationships, there is no golden rule.. All those get-your-ex back articles and psychological techniques are quite manipulative.
Out of my own [and others] life experience[s], using those psychological tactics rarely are a loving way of having a peaceful relationship, they only will turn your love into a battlefield. However, the song made by Pat Benatar is great!
So what do you do if your girlfriend needs time?
**Be a realist and be cool.
The word “cool” is your friend. What do we mean by “cool”? Cool means by refraining from acting irrational and being needy. Lets not put your needs over hers, in fact, the hard times we go through in a relationship will define us- they make us stronger. So be happy, make her happy and show her you actually do care about her while maintaining your self respect. Now lets combine analogy and metaphor, using both wisdom while understanding basic psychology.
Firstly here’s some wisdom, analogy and metaphor; Love is like a tree, it needs sun, it needs “space”, it needs “time” to “grow”. Imagine this as a healthy tree and this healthy tree resembles your relationship. If you want the tree to grow you cant overshadow it and block it from the suns rays, by not giving it space and time and sunlight it will not grow. So try not to block her sunlight by always being around her and not letting her use her own inner resources to solve her own problems. Now for the psychology part. We all have a tendency to move “towards” things in life that we associate pleasure with, and we also have a tendency to move “away” from things in life that we associate pain to. This is true. Have you been pushing her away?
**Show empathy and compassion.
Empathy. Put yourself in her shoes, what is she feeling right now? Can you relate to what she is going through at work, home, friends and most importantly your relationship with her. If she is stressed, don’t stress her out more, instead make every encounter a soothing experience with her, you will not only be making her happy you will be able to show her why you are together and that you are so great, it actually is reinforcing her initial reason of why she loves you. Remember she loved[s] you for a reason. I am very sure you made her happy and excited when she first met you, it is so easy to do it again and better. Why? Because you share history and you are such a great person. Constantly provide value and don’t fear losing her and see what happens.
The word “love”. This word has so many meanings and it is often abused, misleads or scares people away. Well love is everywhere and it is not a definable feeling. Even if your girlfriend has not said I love you, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t. Love is expressed in so many ways. Express your love to her by being patient and accepting her just as she is even if she is being really cold right now. Guys, I quote: “Love is not seeing a perfect person, it is seeing an “imperfect” person perfectly.”
**Go out with your friends or plan a getaway with them.
I am very confident that you will feel refreshed sitting in a spa, having some drinks making a bbq and just relaxing. You will find that the person you were when you met your girlfriend was an outgoing and independent person, don’t lose that independence. If you are having a drink with the boys stay safe and don’t over do it, have fun!
**When she talks to you.
Listen to her. Stay quite. Look in her eyes and don’t interrupt her. Answer all of her questions and be honest.
If you maintain eye contact you will create a deeper understanding, in fact she will really feel listened to. Use empathetic communication. i.e “yeah by what your saying, you must really feel…” Don’t engage in solution based conversation until you both really understand the whole problem. Let her talk and talk and talk, even if you don’t like what she is saying. Sometimes I make this mistake too I just ramble on.
When its time to go your separate ways where ever you are, give her a hug if thats all she likes at the moment, don’t go in for a kiss. You will find over time she will kiss you on the cheek and then slowly she will open up. Say goodnight or what it is you generally say and thank her for coming out. The same goes for her telephone calls.
**Make her feel like she is a great girlfriend.
There is nothing worse than for a woman to think she has been a horrible witch to her boyfriend. Yes they do feel bad if they hurt you. I mean it. Whenever she apologises, forgive her, if you do wrong apologise also. This is a start to some healing. Tell her you think she is great even if she has really upset you the past few weeks.
**Make her laugh.
Its OK to act funny in a manly sense I tend to repeat something and change my tone making it funny. Women love this. Remember girls want to have fun, just like us guys.
**Do not make her jealous using other women.
Yes, jealously is a very strong motivational factor in bringing someone home but, jealously can erode her judgment and make her react for the wrong reason and it wont be out of love, I can assure you. I believe in two forms of jealousy, they are good jealousy and bad jealousy. Good jealousy is generally when we have a small feel of it but it immediately stops then and there and doesn’t toxify your relationship. You feel a certain emotion but it makes you acknowledge you have emotion there.
The good jealously happens while your in a relationship and it doesn’t undermine your self respect or theirs. Bad jealously will do the exact opposite, it continues and plagues your relationship causing suspicion, lack of trust and evidently insecurity. Don’t play around with jealousy, especially with your girlfriend to make her feel jealous, its more powerful than you think and it might bite you back.
**Do not give her an ultimatum.
The worst thing you can do is give her a time-limit on how long your going to stick around for or for her to make a decision. I warn you that you will be the loser. Ultimatums rarely work and this is coming from my experience as a lawyer and understanding of having a win-win situation. If you use an ultimatum, consider it a lose-lose situation.
Its perfectly OK for you to tell her that your getting hurt and frustrated and that the relationship is not what you really want. You could certainly tell her you wont be sticking around if she continues to be cold- You have a right to make your decisions and act on them (If you go down this track you would have obviously thought this over and you really want to end things). Don’t say this to manipulate her to bring her back, she might chase you but its not going to be out of love, it will be out of fear. Trust me acting out of love is much more better to achieve a peaceful relationship in the long run.
This is a must. I have not seen this anywhere in any online publications. This is not only important for you as a man, but it is important for her to see that you are her rock. If she is going to one day marry you and have your kids, she doesn’t want someone that cant control his emotions and acts like a little kid. Being strong not only makes her feel supported, you will exude confidence the right way.
**Keep balance, exercise, read and eat right.
Stay knowledgeable on world events, read a novel, exercise at the gym and eat right. You will look better, feel better and you will also be occupying your self staying busy. This is not only important for your own well being, it is attractive as you have a world outside theirs.
The reason your girlfriend needs time may not be about you solely, it is about her, respect that. Be open to what she says and let her figure things out her own way and give her as much time as she wants. If you wanted time and you were in her situation, would you want your girlfriend making demands from you. Treat others as you want to be treated and trust me, thats an easy yet bullet proof strategy for your relationship.
Source de John Khoury